Having Agency

 For the first time in a long time I feel like I am getting reaquainted with that thing that drives me. That thing that allows me to sit down and do something. Just for doing somethings sake. 

It feels nice. 

I'm also finding it frustrating and it's forcing me to find grace. I have managed to put the basis of what will be my first NFT together. It's been 3 days. I thought that this should have taken a few hours - but I didn't have a background that was making me happy. The laptop I'm using is slow as all hell. A snails fart is faster than this laptop. Even though it runs Revit and such it's not being as responsive as I wish. 

I've been waiting since yesterday around 9pm for the script to run. Before I put in the backgrounds - which I think amount to 8 it was calculating that there would be 480k different pictures to choose from. I would then wittle those down to just below 10k which seams to be the standard amount to share in the world of NFT creators. 

I just hope that this allows me the opportunity to buy a decent laptop so I can create stuff. I really want to make beautiful things and the tools one has to make that happen are important. 

I remember once when I was trying to get good at tennis when I was in high school I was exchanging volley's with Kuda Kaluwa's friend - white boy who grew up on a farm who could speak better Shona than me. What was his name? He was also my friend. I remember his face so well - but what was his name? I wanted to say Courtney - but I think I might be referencing Courtney Orange who is a different person all together. A wholesome human being. I envy his light. What a good energy that human has... lol - anyway my point is we swopped tennis rackets. And my game improved dramatically that set. The racket was able to absorb the velocity of the ball and I was able to return what I like to think was going to be an ace of a service. 

This guy was a better tennis player than me. I realized in that instance that the tools maketh a man. What one has at their disposal is a key ingredient to the results they are able to manifest. My inferior racket was not doing me any favors and I had to work harder to get the same results. I know I can get by on this loaned laptop for now - given that my laptops have died and I am not in a position to purchase the tools I need. I used to believe that I had agency over my ability to affect my fate and perhaps I do. I'm just not in tune with that reality right now. 

My head space is one that has to accept reality and accept that I am a loser. I have done so much losing last couple years. Granted - it's not been a total shit show - but I can't help feeling that the net sum of wins vs losses is overwhelmingly on the losses. I can't even afford to get my teeth fixed. 

Fucked! Well - not the worst. Looking around me and taking stock of the present situation it's not "fucked" I'd even go as far as to say it's bloody awesome on the surface. my families bellies are full. My son finds laughter in just about everything. We are warm while it's cold outside. Baby mama & I are talking - honestly and  unvarnished of where we are and where we would like to go. I feel like I'm slowly becoming a better person. I want to be at peace. With myself and the world around me. How will I get there I wonder?

Jonas & Malin have made our situation in Sweden tenable with us house sitting their apartment. I am wondering now how we will repay them for having looked after us during this time when we needed help the most. 

It has allowed me to be a dad again. It is allowing me to rediscover what it is to be a good husband again. Linah's mother is dealing with her cancer the way I think I would. She has started smoking again. But no-one has confronted her and no one will. I will come back and make this thought salad coherent one day. For my own sake. I do not know why I am jotting these random thoughts down. Perhaps it's part of my deliverance...

I am reminded that I want to attempt poetry. But before I can do that I need to align myself to myself and the world around me. 

Today I was reading an article about sustainability. it reminded me that I do want to be an agent of how things can be sustainable. I haven't had much of a chance before the project I have in my possession. I should expend as much effort as is necessary to showcase what that can look like. It was interesting. 

It showed one could provide a financial solution in a residential development by offering a roadmap to ownership. A rent to own model. A leasing option. An ownership model all spelled out - transparent and really easy. I let my mind stray and imagined briefly what that would look like and I immediately added an app that helps with the maintenance to the residential development. A landlord app.

LOL - I'm all over the map as per normal. My wondering mind - but that's at least where it ends right. - I'm not really doing a lot with myself at the moment. I do have projects on the go and they should be tied up before the year is through. I think I've got 3 main ones - Joseph - Raymond & Tsisti... 

Joseph - I need to tidy up the plan on how we are going to build his houses I designed. I also need to wrap up the design completely as well. Make it immaculate. 

Raymond - needs his container construction finished & presented beautifully. He also wants the airport design for Manono. 

Tsitsi needs her website done to completion. 

Perhaps I'm being optimistic - 2 weeks is not enough time to do everything. 

I've been able to gather myself some - 'coz I've had a moratorium to all these things that needed doing. I'll engage in what I feel has the best chance of getting completed on the days like today. 

It doesn't help I'm trying to learn how to do the NFT thing. I'm not going to do it well. I know this - 'coz the whole thing is fucking confusing. I know all I want is a vehicle to being able to make stuff. Whether it be good or bad in the eyes of those who get to see it is not really concerning me right now. I just want to make stuff and I haven't been able to make 'coz my spirit wouldn't let me. How weird is that? Being artistically & creatively impotent.

This midlife crisis is a trip.