10 Dec 2021
I'm in Sweden. I'm broke... But I'm not bothered too much by that am I now?
I think if I was properly affected by not being liquid I'd be a different person and would undoubtedly be in different circumstances as I would like to think I would act. I do want to work out what I am designed to do right now in my life. I feel quite disconnected from myself and the world around me.
I might be fooling myself but I do feel like I once was in tune with the on goings of the world. I'm definitely out of step with it right now. I am unable to see myself in this world being relevant or doing something of substance.
The question of what I could be doing prolifically keeps coming to the fore and I do not have the steam to draw or paint - even sketch. It's a labored effort. Or I simply just lazy?
I am 2 weeks here in Sweden and I've yet to accomplish any of the things that I set out to do. Chief being to work out. I do need to reacquaint my body with a regiment of exercise. I am looking for enough discipline to carol myself to achieve what I've not been able to for a spell.
I have at present a project I should be sinking my teeth into but I was severely distracted to the point where I couldn't do any of the work required of me. Evidenced of course by my inability to force myself to work. I need counselling. But it's expensive work fixing the mind. And I have none to bear.
What does one do when one has so much they want to do but unable to make moves to their benefit?
One good thing I can see here is that I am finally jotting down my thoughts. It's not been easy and an old me would scoff at such a declaration. This shit is easy. Right? Just typing... finding time to get in front of the laptop and putting thoughts down.
I do not quite know what it is about putting thoughts down. How often have I ever gone back to these sporadic ramblings? NEVER! well - not yet in all the years that this has been in play.
It's worth noting that my mind goes to so many places and I am chastising myself a little for having immediately gone to the thought of writing a book. I have wondered more than once if I am capable of writing. I think it would be possible were I to convince myself to having mastery over a particular subject. I do not feel like I have mastered anything in particular - which is perhaps the issue I am facing right now.
I have a house I could be building - but I am struggling with the spreadsheet of the costings. Even these last 2 weeks have given me ample excuses for not engaging in it. I should do best and make it happen. Just for the sake of doing it. I have so many opportunities in front of me and I have cut my feet from underneath me with inaction.
I used to be able to act and perform on this stage of life wonderfully. To the point where I had multiple things in play. When did it all fall apart I wonder? It wasn't immediate... it's still not closed to me. I still have a chance to be amazing.
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