finding my feet

It's really difficult to admit. I've been grappling with mental health for a few years now. Depression is something I thought only happened to other people. I'm a lot better. I feel completely healed most of the time coz of the hormone therapy. Today was odd though. I was reminded what it feels like to have no juice, and that feeling of running on empty - with zero shits being given. 

I struggled to find reason to work or produce a result... To do what I thought I loved.

It is weird being an agent of your own demise... It's all internal and for me... it manifests in inaction. The gargantuan lack of fucks I display is amazing to me... On one side I know I've got much I want to accomplish and no time to do it in. But then I can't be asked to do what needs doing in the moment. 

I think I might have figured out how to hack myself a bit though... as I'm really quite fortunate. I've got time to examine the situation. Not being punished for not pumping out anything helps a lot. I'm spending my days with my three year old son, parks, playgrounds, the beach, long walks, the only thing missing is bike rides. I'll make that happen tomorrow. I just need to get the bike from Sekuru Andersson's farm and bring it here. 

I'm also disgustingly fat right now and feeling my age. Which is sad. I need to reverse this nonsense and be awesome again... I need to tap into my desire of being a snack. The snackhood will be attained. I quit smoking. Yippee!!

Back to the hacking of oneself... I need to tap into a higher purpose. Which I've identified as ending hunger in Africa. 

I can't be asked to push myself for the pursuit of Cash. It's not enough. If anything I'm discouraged if the goal is purely financial. It's probably because I'm spoiled. More food than I need. More freedom than most anyone I know. How indulgent it is to take a 3 months vacation. Bless the world at large & my dear wife, my mother and sister. Although the later has manufactured a rift that needed not be there and there shall be no reconciliation anytime soon, as she is too proud to admit she fucked up... And it's not a fuckup that can't be resolved with a simple apology. Oh well.

So I'm back on my BS and happy to improve myself. I'm going to tidy up the houses I am designing. 

It will help me end hunger on the continent. And that probably doesn't make sense right now. But it most certainly will. 

And really breifly - I spent the evening appraising myself on the developmental state of Africa. She still has a long way to go but she is making headway. The AU's 50 year goals resonate with me. Especially food security, trade, energy and infrastructure goals. I like where their heads at with the Single African Air Transport Market. 

It made me want to develop the airship that will move a shit load of containers. Cheap logistics = the continent being competitive. 

I could design that.

And so I will. 

But first I got to get these small projects off my plate.