Rambling Thoughts or How to Start an Argument

                        Some ramblings from a friend...

The world is a funny place, if you’re a comedian that is, for the rest of us it’s a journey not of self discovery but for most from home to work and back again.

I am not an author, poet, philosopher or any one of those people with letters after their names which only learned people understand and the rest of us try guess, kind of like when we playing trivial pursuit. I am just one of those people that try to look at something logically and then over analyse with no clue of what I’m doing. This is a book of starting from a simple thought and hell who knows where we will land up and if I insult anyone along the way it is not in anyway intended. Everything and everyone on this planet has rights, besides certain bacteria, viruses, diseases, insects and well you know what I mean, and I for one don’t discriminate where I can. I have met many people from all walks of life and hey whatever makes you happy is fine by me, just don’t try draw me in to ‘whatever’ against my will. There are a lot of things out there that confuse this little brain of mine and as far as I can tell there seems to be a lot of lies, mistruths, denial etc etc. As something starts to make sense people tend to lose interest or some radical group will take over and confuse everyone else ,apart from themselves of course ,or so they may think.

So let’s start with light and progress and when it becomes a just little too technical for my brain I will take the liberty of changing the subject if that’s all right with you.

Here’s a thing, what’s all the fuss with Global warming?

Hahaha got the ‘green people’s’ attention at least, just hope I don’t end up swimming with the fishes.

I want to know a simple thing- This planet can only sustain a certain amount of ‘animal’ life, so instead of worrying about saving the whale, equal rights, why chimps can’t talk after 50 years of private tutors, shouldn’t we all be addressing the problem of too many humans on this rock we call earth?. I mean think about it, when the oil runs out what then?  when the food runs out what then? Pretty sure at this point most naturalists will be thinking the Japs have got a point and there sure are a lot of steaks on that fish.

This is the problem with us humans is our “short attention span” and the ones that hold on? Well Hitler thought he was right??

We need to ditch some people and the question is how and WHO... I mean who is on to this program already. At this point you can say hey put it out there on facebook why ramble on in book form where you ain’t gonna get any answers. See SHS (short attention span), then the radicals will get their chance or you might have discovered a little known porn site for guppies that is a lot more interesting then my ramblings on. This way I get full attention till some critic tells the world I’m full of crap and it’s not worth the paper it’s written on, at which point I’ve still got the radicals I guess. So back to the topic how do we get rid of people and who is doing it already. Oh and by the way as I may or may not have pointed out, I am no radical and hence am not volunteering for any mass suicide or any other brainwave that someone may come up with that results in me leaving prematurely.

I have a thought that Africa is a target for the offloading of a few individuals, what with the HIV virus originating from monkeys in central Africa. Kind of get the feeling of “Ok we certain their tutors say they will never talk, send them back to Africa no one will ever know”   An African President “I know this AIDS thing is an Imperialist plot, the monkey told me” So is it? Did the scientists and some western secret agency decide this could work, get rid of a good bunch of the poor and big business make a sack full of money off the drugs on the side ? Well as long as people worry about Clinton and Zuma’s private parts... I mean lives; I guess we will never know. But hey I believe it, I think a couple of people know there is no other way for this world to exist if we don’t bring that  7 billion population down to the 3 billion that it can sort of sustain.

So why cloak and dagger, why not come clean, why not get all the heads of state and say hey this is it if we don’t get this sorted the planet is doomed. But it will go back to the extremist, some are gonna go for - no sex at all or - the religious ‘we were right stone them ’ / ‘no condoms all life is sacred’ or - the traditional ‘many children show success or fertility’ and so on and so forth and another scientist approaches a secret agency with a brilliant plan that hopefully this time spares the new Freddy.

It always amazes me how you can’t get everyone to agree on something so simple and evident, something that affects us all...  and yet so many blindly follow, agree and accept so many different types of leaders from military to religion with little more than a speech or a book as evidence. A favourite of mine is ‘the youth are to blame’. Yup look around, where ever there is trouble you will find them- University protests, Woodstock, Tiananmen Square, Youth League and so forth. My only problem is that I used to be a youth as did everyone else, other than Churchill, the Queen, Stalin and a couple more. Now that I am no longer the youth I am no longer to blame and that is because I have learnt things and matured. So surely that means I should be imparting some of this knowledge to the youth, well the human youth not the monkeys who we have established can’t read or write, this conclusion never having reached the Limpopo education department with a bit of reading material falling into the wrong paws. No this is the problem; the youth have no clue on what they talking about, reason being is all they have to base their point of view has come from someone older than them. Now before you crucify me I am not saying the youth can’t think for themselves etc what I am saying is how can you form an opinion if you have no experience. Gathering knowledge is important (although at this point I would love to be blissfully unaware, forget the body chocolate and grab the beetroot) but what the youth don’t understand is if they are around in 20/30 years from now their attitude and behaviour will mirror ours... apart from a few individuals of ageless Rock/Metal bands who will probably try and do their 300^th last concert... thank you alcohol and drugs. We will come back to that. At some point our esteemed leaders have to realise the Swiss are obnoxious and chocolate no matter how good can’t be eaten every day. They (our esteemed leaders) are going to have to kick out the lawyers and interpret their personal job description for themselves. I mean really,  this is what we are teaching our future children; What do You want to be when you grow up?...umm a policeman, umm a nurse umm, a fireman... no no you must become a lawyer and lie, help cheat people, steal -and make money. We tell jokes about ‘them’ but at some point we all need ‘them’ and this is the point... on a lot of what they do hasn’t a line been crossed? Last time I checked the meaning of Leader was someone who leads a group of people with the group’s best interest at heart, not ‘before we address this problem let me discuss it with the lawyers’. It is amazing how when growing up we learn to tell the truth because it always comes out... unless you have a good lawyer ‘Lights camera action and where does the glove come into this??’  Yup so I guess lawyers could be speeding up our demise (secret agencies please take notes). Oh sorry… maybe didn’t explain right… they kinda mix leader and swiss together which kinda changes how things are done. Example: We need to stimulate tourism.. Eish! big Italian style casino in jhb… it will look too nice.

 Sorry probably just me but I don’t get it, I do understand the financial aspect and the ease in which tax can be collected but I don’t understand the theme. What foreign tourist would, in his right mind haul himself halfway round the world to go to a non African theme casino in the middle of South Africa, now this is where the argument comes in that the developer can put up what he likes. The problem is that government controls the amount of licenses issued so surely they would control what the developer puts up and surely someone kinda looked at Sun City and thought wow that’s an African success story with regards to tourism?? .Nope the Swiss win again and who cares how much of the pension fund flows through shaky Gogos’ hands into shiny machines that make too much nice music. Oops pension fund and shiny machines don’t belong in one sentence on good old Gauteng roads. See how easy it is to be sidetracked... return to the problem of too many people.

We can try to put a sterilisation potion in the water system but it will bring out the rights crowd and take money from the drug crowd and the earth is just too overcrowded. I like the Chinese system of one child per couple but the problem is carrying on the family name through the male child. Now there are a lot of countries with this problem (let’s not get to technical) and even though some have taken to adding the woman’s surname in to the married name it still won’t cut it. I think we should take a page from the Aussies book and name all kids Bruce and Sheila, well not exactly, the flaw there - is everyone would use their surname as a first name. So let’s get everyone on the same surname, the Brits could be Wright; the Chinese could be Wong; the Aussies could be Wright or Wong; the Americans could be confused and no one would be able to pronounce the Yugoslavians names so we won’t worry about them. Now think about it, women would have to think seriously on inter country marriage as their family name would be at risk. Immigration officers’ jobs just get easier, apart from those on the Zim/SA border where there would be no change.ID and passports would have fewer faults (well maybe not in...well you know).Anyway a potion in the water, not really a brilliant idea.

Back to the UN. Maybe just maybe they could ditch the blue helmets, grab a couple of intellectuals and come up with a solution that everyone (except the radicals) might sort of accept. Obviously said solution should not affect or change any of the elite’s lifestyles or interrupt any one of the numerous early evening soapies including 7de laan. Think about it… here you have an asteroid on a direct path to destroy life on earth, the entire world stops what they doing and get behind trying to stop it. Of course this where the movies become undone because the worlds hopes are laid on America. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against Americans even though the ones we tend to meet are obnoxious and rude and in the movies they save the World. I look at the Afrikaner; enter his house as his guest and nobody could treat you better even after only having met him an hour ago. They are respectful God loving people till you meet one on a quad in Mozambique. Anyway, save the world, luckily I now no longer reside by the sea so I can be blunt, let’s get the Greenpeace guys together at the UN, explain where they going wrong (hell if a certain oil company can fool them then we’ve got a good chance) and get their help with a solution. By going wrong I mean to hell with the whale (not being by the coast limits my chances of being harpooned), reduce the amount of people and hey you will be surprised how much of the wildlife return (well who really cares about the Dodo and maybe a couple others). The problem with humans is that we can adapt, run out of one food source and ‘Hey anyone thought of roast parrot?’ ‘Well if we add a bit of spice and put it in a can and we call it “Tuna of the trees”. Maybe get that Jessica girl to endorse it and send a couple cases to be given away on that Opera show’.( This is where it gets interesting). ‘Yeah then let’s get a camera crew in to expose the whole thing sell the footage to ABC or DEF or GHI and move the plant to china, oh and tell the president to drop his pants we don’t want any more of the free press around once we are there.

See how hard it is to wipe out a few billion people without losing focus and this is just me by my lonesome, once my lawyer gets involved I’m pretty much certain we will be talking about exterminating the Mongolian tadpole which won’t extend the worlds expiry date by much but might keep the couple dollars I have left safe until his bill is presented. While being ridiculous I have a thought which makes sense to me, perhaps Arnolds help is needed, him being the only politician that has any form of an idea of where we headed. First off he could explain to the UN that running around in blue uniforms trying to stop people from killing each other is just increasing the problem, instead they could give lectures on the make love not war slogans. He could point out to the UN what the world would look like when there are no longer enough farmers and lead the resurrection of the market gardener and death of the geek.This, of course, would not go down very well with Wall Street and cause a few ledges to get crowded again but this would only help our cause and once we explain to the geeks that writing with pen and umm paper is way cooler!  (well sometimes you just have to lie for the greater good). We really are in a catch 22, not enough trees and not enough energy. The air that we breathe is made up of approx 78% nitrogen, 21 % oxygen 1 % other gases. On exhaling approx 5% of the oxygen has changed to carbon dioxide, which just happens to be the gas responsible for global warming. Now air with 17% oxygen is considered oxygen deficient and that’s only 4% less than the air we currently breathe. The way to change the co2 back to o2 is through plant life, mainly trees and in the ocean, algae .Some of the problems with this are rainforest removed for monetary gain and oil spills in the oceans which in effect are reducing our oxygen supply and allowing more and more co2 to escape into the atmosphere and add to global warming. Again I will remind you ‘not too technical ‘.They say that the gas emissions from cows is adding to the co2 problem and people should eat less meat. But the problem will be people consuming more vegetation leading to more gases being released by them. How could this be a  problem? Well a bunch of cows letting rip on some out of the way pasture with hopefully a good stock of trees around is a lot better than a bunch of humans in a 10 story block with not a tree in sight.

There has to be intellectuals that have worked it out and I know how to find them. Check for the massive overdraughts and way too much time spent in karaoke bars, these guys know we are on a train with no brakes and that our one time saviour joined the matrix and found out too late. So spend the banks money and make fools of ourselves cause when the shit hits the fan no one is gonna remember any of it. Ok back to save the cheerleader... I mean world. Why are governments allowing this technical revolution to carry on unchecked (We all know the, this makes money, bullshit) I’m talking about actually helping the population of said country to have a roof and food instead of how many have TV. Although TV is important, as we have learnt in South Africa, switch off everything in your house to conserve power but not your TV cause with that you can monitor how ineffectively Eskom is doing their job   much of a strain your stove and geyser is putting on the power grid. Anyway the technical problem. We are landing up using our resources to purchase high tech equipment which goes up in smoke or literally in hot air. Think about it we sell some gold, platinum coal etc and in return we get a cell phone which in most of the cases lands up in one of our good citizens hands as he/she expires, in some cases, hard earn cash with ‘yes he said, I know she said I know but you know and did you see that oh I gotta go I can see you at the corner table.’ Five minutes later and it’s ‘oh I don’t know what to do my whole life was on that phone, it was on the table there not two minutes ago’ followed by ‘so which is better do you think the Iphone or blackberry. To finally don’t dump the batteries anyway because of the ecological damage it can cause, which pretty much is going to fall on deaf ears of a person who had no conscience about nicking someone’s phone (or life if you want to be technical).

Now don’t you see the wonderful trade off... our gold for hazardous waste and some people actually think we have a chance in saving our Rhino. No I’m not a pessimist; I am a realist that happens to understand the numbers game. Really, if it could work out differently I would be the first to sign up, but then you have got to show me a casino that loses to the punters. China has an increase in their number of wealthy business men so tell me what do these men spend their new found money on? (the numbers game remember). Some stupid artist showed off his controversial impression of the spear that sent the youth into a spin and a clear message to the east that the Kruger... I mean South Africa was a good place to invest for a spear of their own.

I am of the opinion that we need to get rid of the monetary system and back to the barter system. This of course would cause havoc with governments and certain luxury car manufacturers alike but certain Hollywood stars would love it, swopping yellow for brown or white depending on which countries are this year’s flavour. But seriously this would really highlight what is valuable and what not and perhaps have a few farmers rethink the developing of fast dwindling arable land. It is rapidly moving towards a future of looking out at the ocean from a complex on ex sugar cane farm land drinking (maybe) tea or coffee with a sweetener(well maybe not after seeing disturbing news on a certain sweetener).Food and water would fast become the top commodities alongside oil and a lot of computer geeks would be planning a GTA type end to all who instigated this move. The problem we have is the world is controlled by the rich and famous... no joke...  This causes a dilemma, most (the rich) know that money is worthless, gone are the days when the bearer is promised to be paid in gold. Money is worth the paper it’s printed on which pretty much makes the one dollar the same value as a fake hundred or a legitimate hundred for that matter. Supermarkets and major shopping centres would disappear and make way for flea markets and farm stalls. Corporations would tumble and small entrepreneurs would flourish. Energy and fuel consumption would diminish; digital entertainment would all but disappear and families would have supper together. No cancel the last, unless KFC was still around but then the whole scheme wouldn’t work. Thinking on it, if I could work the chicken out then a few of the people close to me wouldn’t join the lynch mob I am expecting.

I know this is not helping bring down population but hey even I get sidetracked often.

Comedians, they are definitely the only hope in all of this. Look around, they are the only group that tell it like it is, all around the world. Whether you are in America, England, Europe, umm umm well those places anyway, comedians give comment on leaders, companies’ hell even their mothers... and people laugh... even in the other countries not listed above, although that then opens opportunities for up and coming comics brave enough to follow that line of work.  The only problem is to try and get the audience to think instead of laugh which is against doctor’s orders together with being healthy. Hey wait... I’m not having a go at doctors but when you live in a country where the only visibly growing industries are health care, private security and life insurance you kind of wonder. Focus... comedians can help, check their dvd’s but take a few downers beforehand so you can concentrate on their message. Scratch that, damn my lawyer is gonna be busy...

 The author is not responsible for any mass suicide whether human or otherwise over advice given in this transcript. Furthermore any paper cuts or glue addictions that could arise from the bindings or pages of this transcript are not the author’s fault and he cannot be held liable especially by any of the MJ family. The author was not in any way suggesting the use of any form of drugs although it must be stressed that the author is not suggesting you don’t use drugs which could affect the profit margins of any companies that profit from these items. Umm did you hear about the one where two Irishmen went into a bar?